I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
