pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
