i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
