he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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