i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
