fuck your aforementioned shoe
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
