Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
