i don't like sucking hair
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
