i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
