I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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