Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
