Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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