come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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