So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
