Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
