my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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