You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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