My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
