The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
