I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
