I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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