you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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