I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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