Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
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He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
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I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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