I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
