i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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