I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
