god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This house was built for laser tag.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
