i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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