did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
