Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
