I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
