This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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