I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
