Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
