um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
