Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
