I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Randomize
