Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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