walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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