You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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