my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
