he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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