He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
