My liver just broke up with me...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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