So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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