I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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