There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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