We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
