I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
