I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
