Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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