True but thats because hes a fetus.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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