do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
