Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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