I'm drive I can fine osifer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Green mimosas i think yes
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
