hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
