You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
