My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
