last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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