Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
