Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
