His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
