Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
