Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
